I wish that I took better stock of time, not that I don't appreciate but I don't have a very good concept of it moving, except for forwards, sometimes in leaps, often in bounds but never backwards. Never goes backwards.
All my significant life achievements and milestones feel really scrambled. Not just from moving from one country to another more than once, but also the many traumatic and beautiful events I classify as my life have hurt my ability to place events in times and places. A therapist once told me that this is nothing new for people with my condition. It's actually quite normal.
I'd like to go backwards in time, not to change anything of to fall into some absurd trope of killing baby Hitler. I'd like to go back in time just so that I could record times, places, ideas, events, happenings and not so happenings. I'd like to go back and do nothing but observe and put together a written timeline of what has led me to be in a hotel, on the cusp of a new year.
The end of 2016 and the start of it's successor.
It's been a year.
I'm not talking about the deaths of Castro and Cohen or of Sharon Jones and Mr Jones. For me, it's been a year.
To paraphrase a much more famous queen: '2016 will not be a year I shall look back on with undiluted pleasure.'
2016 started off a little rocky, it dawned on me that I did not want to be married anymore. I needed not only out, but out fast.
It took only a month and a half from realising that I had to leave to actually leaving. Was it an ideal way to break up seven years? No, it truly wasn't. However, I acted in the best way I knew how at that time. This is no comfort to my first husband but sometimes your absolute best is not great at all, objectively and subjectively.
I've made the right decision, that was painful for a moment. The thought of whether I had made the right decision in leaving (albeit suddenly) or if I had forever cursed my subconscious to a lifetime of pain and regret.
The decision that I took was the right one. That doesn't hurt anymore, i know I did the right thing. However the problem of trying your best and your best being just patently terrible is that the more distance that you get from what you've done, the more maturity you develop and hindsight is fucked.
Hindsight is what hurts. The fact that while I tried my best at expressing what I felt (or not felt) at the time, the more distance I get from leaving my marriage the better I've gotten at expressing what I feel or not feel and what I need. So, even though I know I would act differently now, I did what I did and what I did was the best that I could do. At the time. Sometimes just leaving and giving up suddenly is the best you've can do- at that time.
Learning to be single has also been remarkable, and painful but mostly remarkable and liberating. It's not without its pitfalls and annoyances but on the whole, it's pretty excellent. I've made it a point of sleeping horizontally across my bed to prove a point to no one but myself that, this is good, and it's fun. It's fun and it's very good.
I've had four jobs this year. I left my old job as an academic on the 31 January 2015 at 2pm. That was my final day, that last hour. I wasn't properly employed again until February, not only did I get one job, I got two new jobs.
One was working on a passion project but the teamwork factor wasn't there, some of that was me, some of it was the workplace. I left after three months, without any animosity whatsoever. I also left to pursue the second job of the two that I got. I went from having my dream job part time to landing it full time and I was not going back.
That has been an absolute highlight of my year, of my life, working where I do, having my job. I work for someone I admire greatly, not just admire but respect- I feel those are two very different things. I also work with a team that while incredibly small is so unbelievably intelligent, high achieving, exciting, capable, competent and absolutely excellent.
We are very few in number at the office, but fuck are we good value for money! My colleagues are the smartest, most competent people I have ever worked for and we are being paid a pittance compared to the hours we do, but I wouldn't do anything else. I've lost a colleague who went on to do bigger and better things and while I've lost her madness around the office, I've gained another strong, independent, intelligent and capable woman to look up to
I've managed to hold on to the friends that I had and managed to make new ones and rekindle with others. In fact, if it wasn't for Genevieve's care and support I may not have made it to now. I'm also, so very happy to have reconnected with Byron. I've known that fucker for ten years, it's nice to be able to hang again, with his favourite Irish Marxist included.
One of the fears, the terrors of leaving a marriage, or at least my marriage was: "will I be able to make new friends, to make up for the ones I will lose or have lost?" Yes. The answer to that is yes, and I have met some of the most incredible people this year who have liked me, just for being me. Not for being my first husband's husband or being 'David the Lawyer' or 'that guy from the RMIT ads'. Just me- in my niche interests and my eccentricities. Friends, new and old, you're just as weird, if not weirder than me. Thank you- specially you, Simon. You're fucking STRANGE.
Also, a huge thanks to Ron for letting me sleep on his couch when I didn't even have a couch to sleep in. Thank you to Ally and Felix- your small kindnesses have meant so much to me, more than I can ever, truly express. I thank you, I thank you so very much. You made this so bearable and if Felix wants me to take a side photo with him because his bum looks nicer then that's what I'll do.
I never thought this is where I would be on the cusp of 2017, but I'm right where I've always wanted to be. I'm not where I started, I'm just right where I wanted to be, and I didn't realise until I stopped to look.
Stay well friends, stay well.
PS: I also changed my name too, motherfuckers.
David Joaquin Javier Mejia-Canales