Ok, so this escalated quickly.  This is still a part of the series of my 10 things posts, except this one turned quickly and suddenly to find us here.

Think of all the things that are wrong with your life and then fix them
— Paul Baribeau

Never a dull moment right?  I have absolutely no problem with making a fool of myself for you, dear reader, except now this got personal.  Personal is not preferred, but hey, I'm committed so here goes:

  1. I think i'm too scared of things I shouldn't be scared of and I'm not scared enough of things I should be frightened of.  This makes me a combination of smart, stubborn and, stupid which has worked quite well thus far, although the ride could have been made a lot easier.
     
  2. I'm not good at asking for what I want or need so I wait to the point where I yell, beg, cry, borrow and steal to get it and that's not good for anyone.  It's also how children do things, maybe i'm a child.  Part of me is proud to look down at my shoes and think 'I don't need to ask for help, I've got me'.  Independence is a good feeling but it comes at a very high personal cost.
     
  3. I think I'm too neurotic to the point of paralysis, if I could just CTFD I would or could enjoy the ride a lot more.
     
  4. I day dream so much more than a normal, human adult person should.  This is OK though, we're so obsessed with productivity and achievement, daydreaming is my one protest against being a cog in a machine.
     
  5. I'm excellent at dealing with a catastrophic crisis but I'm not very good at dealing with the mundane, everyday slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.  So instead of turning to actual human beings or friends or maybe even vices for help or support or as a vent, I turn inwards and disappear from public life until it's all OK or as OK as it can be.  A bit like when cats are sick, they just disappear under your house until they either die or get better.  I'm like that, I've also never died, go me.
     
  6. Sometimes (often) I can be like trying to hold water in your hand.  Impossible to grasp unless you freeze it.  Part of me is kind of proud to be 'the most unavailable person you'll ever meet' but I also hate it.  I feel like being busy gives me an easy excuse to be seen to be achieving and winning because EVERYBODY LOVES A WINNER.  I'm trying to get better though, I'm trying.
     
  7. I'm not my own toughest critic, I'm severe.  I'm also severely punishing myself for stupid things or mistakes or errors I've made that I really should just let go.  It's severe up in here.
     
  8. I find talking one-on-one to another human person excruciatingly painful and awkward and difficult; however, talking to groups of thousands, not a problem, sign me up.
     
  9. On that, it's usually because I'm so focused on being liked that sitting opposite one person iss incredibly taxing, not to mention difficult to be charming, witty, funny enough to be liked, admired and, adored. Facing a multitude is nowhere near as tough because their faces just blur into each other.
     
  10. I try impossibly hard to be liked, admired, adored and respected for things I achieve, degrees I've studied, abilities I possess or achievements I accumulate. It would be a lot wiser (and easier) if I conserved that energy and focused on just being OK in all my average-ness, the achievements are just a bonus.  Besides I'd much rather be liked for the type of person I am, and not the letters after my name.
    1. 10(a) If only I were wise.

 

 

Comment