Hi kids, here is the next lyric in Paul Baribeu's '10 Things.' This is starting to get heavy and personal in a way that I'm not, despite what this blog may lead you to believe.
- My brain.
Obviously, I need my brain. It's where everything that I am or am not lives and despite causing me incredibly amounts of pain at times, the organ itself cannot feel pain. I need it more than ever. However, it's picked up things that I don't need or don't serve me anymore. Coping or adaptation strategies that have served me well as a child living in a family that was built like an avalanche were good for surviving as a kid, but not for evolving as an adult.
There are so many things to unlearn, so very many. I'm trying but I can't be everywhere and doing everything at once, I'm learning to be ok with all of this.
- My body.
I need that too, I do, Sure it's been repaired many, many times and I put it through incredible amounts of abuse, or at least some would call it abuse and it still serves me without fail.
It's not my body I want to get rid of, my body is fine, it's the expectations of it needing to be bigger, smaller, faster, slower, stronger, weaker that are placed on it by marketers, norms, society and all the other pressures I've missed. My body is fine, if only the combined pressure of selling products and societal expectations and ideas of what is beautiful or desirable would just leave me the fuck alone. If you're honest, you feel exactly the same way, so why are we not happy yet?
- What I've learnt.
This goes back to my first point, about brain learning things that while useful once upon a time are no longer fulfilling their desired purpose. It's a life of unlearning ahead of me, that's daunting.
- The pressure of conversations.
I wish I wasn't so socially awkward and so incredibly inept at having one-on-one conversations that don't end up with me talking AT someone for an hour. All due to nerves or because of a firmly held belief that the other person hates me; or me sitting there in silence, quietly dying because I have a firmly held belief the other person hates me.
I can talk to groups of people at once, that's easy, it's the small, day-to-day that I find excruciating and painful and incredibly embarrassing and often, devastating. How to let go of that then?
- Wanting means asking, asking is ok.
If you don't ask, you don't get and sure we all believe that to be true, at least logically but emotionally, at least for me asking for something I need from someone, anyone is terrifying. That feeling I would like to vanish or vanquish. It means needs, emotional, physical, psychological go unmet because I'd much rather carry a burden of wanting, than burden you with asking.
- Strengths as weaknesses.
There is a pattern to this right? Let me explain. So far, this whole post has been all about me letting go of things I've learnt that no longer suit me and I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I've developed a lot of things that were strengths but now are weaknesses.
Strengths in one area of my life: fierce and uncompromising independence, stubborn resilience, quiet confidence and dogged determination to be stoic at all costs.
These very strengths are weaknesses in developing or establishing relationships of any type, they're also incredible weaknesses when in crisis or emotional devastation. It's perfect to be doggedly determined to be stoic and endure any ill at work, in a crisis for example. It's not a strength when that crisis is over and you want to go home and have someone to just debrief to.
I'd like to let go of strengths that are weaknesses.
This got deep.