Do I like being back in Melbourne?
End of the post...
No, but really. I'm not enjoying being back here, here is a wonderful place don't get me wrong but I'm back here again burdened by the things I didn't need, or use, or want.
I love my friends, I love my colleagues (exceptional humans all of them), my job, my life here is wonderful and easy but I would rather give up this easy life to return to the wide open Spanish countryside and walk to nowhere in particular, and then keep on walking.
It was the freedom, it is the freedom that I miss the most. I didn't have to walk far, or I could go further than I had ever walked and whenever I wanted, if I wanted - out there on that road.
The dramas of everyday life, the exhausting roulette of thoughts: 'does he like me?','am I being annoying?', 'do I talk too much?',' do I not talk enough?', 'should I?', 'shouldn't I?', 'what will happen if...?', just weren't there.
I miss the stillness you can only get on the open road in front of you and the sound of your feet crunching the gravel beneath you. I miss the absolute and complete humility and insignificance that you can only feel by witnessing the rising sun, or the rising moon, or even just the smallest peek at the Milky Way directing you westward.
I miss the quiet tranquillity of knowing that it was up to me, all of it.
I'm truly struggling being here again and I am tearing up as I write this. I am struggling in such incredible ways, ways that I did not expect.
Don't get me wrong, I do like and appreciate all of you (specially the three of you reading this), I am thankful for my life and the things I have been able to provide for myself. But I'd give it all up right here and now just to be gone again, and to be free.
I don't feel like I ran away from my life, in all of my honest truth I felt like I ran towards it and all of this, my relationships, my education, my beliefs, my ideas, all of it are just an illusion and pale in significance to the rising of the sun.